K has developed a superpower. She is:
NAKED GIRL
Disrobing faster than a speeding bullet, able to perform the most advanced naked couch yoga, and immune to even the coldest, nipple hardening, draft.
In this episode of Naked Girl, our hero tries to convince The Evil Momster to let her go to preschool bare assed. We join our hero as she sits at the breakfast table… Eating breakfast. The Evil Momster turns
and walks five steps to the sink. When the Evil Momster turns back, Naked Girl is wearing nothing but a smile. And so the battle begins:
Naked Girl: Mom, my pants are wet.
The Evil Momster: You’re not wearing any pants.
Naked Girl: Oh.
The Evil Momster re-dresses Naked Girl. Naked Girl may have lost this battle, but our hero has many tricks up her… Well, wherever she keeps them.
Our hero creeps silently from the Evil Momsters sight, and
Seriously, she must wear tear-off clothes like a stripper-gram because it could not have been more than 10 seconds before she was naked again.
Our hero is naked again, this time fleeing the scene, the unrestrained glee of streaking making her so fast that she is no more than a blur of tiny butt cheeks. At the naked yoga couch, The Evil Momster catches up to her. Naked Girl tries valiantly to intercept The Evil Momster even before the impending battle begins:
Naked girl: I don’t have to wear pants.
The Evil Momster: I’m pretty sure you do.
Naked Girl: (FLASH of toddler brilliance) No, Miss Jenna said.
The Evil Momster: Your preschool teacher told you that it was okay to come to school with no pants?
Naked Girl: (Triumphantly) Yes.
Our Hero thinks she has won the war, The Evil Momster must certainly yield to the rules of the most beloved and almighty preschool teacher, mustn’t she?
No, The Evil Momster seems to have some lie detecting sensory perception and knows, somehow, that Naked Girl had never actually had this conversation with the beloved and beautiful Miss Jenna.
The Evil Momster: Has Miss Jenna ever come to school without pants?
She thought long and hard about this one, racking her toddler brain for an instance of her idol coming to work in the altogether.
Naked Girl: no.
The Evil Momster re-dresses and restrains Naked Girl in some sort of transportation device.
You may have won this round, Evil Momster, but Naked Girl will be back!
Stay tuned for the next episode of Naked Girl, when you’ll see our hero find out how cold it is outside with no clothes on.
naptimethoughts 
Ah, stripper kids. We have had 2 (out of 2)…i feel your pain.
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Right? It’s not like I don’t understand her fetish, and I let her run around the house naked… But it’s sort of frowned upon in public, and it was 8 degrees out yesterday morning. Of course, in the nice warm house, she thought 8 degrees must be simply tropical. I should’ve sent her our the back door for a minute… Although, with her stubborn streak she’d probably have had to have all her fingers and toes amputated before she came in.
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LOL…my youngest was like that. The fights over whether to wear mittens…in our Canadian winters, no less. The good news: we survived, and she’s now an awesome young woman who laughs at her younger self.
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And she wears her mittens?
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Lol! Why do kids like being naked so much? 😝
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I don’t have any idea, but mine likes to be naked AND make up her own naked calesthenics. It’s not pretty. If somebody looked in the window while I was trying to pretend like she’s totally normal, so I don’t scar her for life, they’d probably call child services.
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That was awesome! I actually LOL’d.
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Glad you liked it. An actual LOL is a great compliment.
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Hilarious! Love the part about up her, well, wherever she keeps it. Terrific.
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She so rarely has a sleeve anymore. On the bright side, I am now a world class toddler-dresser. My technique is flawless.
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Thank you, BTW. I’m glad you liked it. It always makes me happy to know you are laughing!
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Laughing is what I’m here for.
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Me too.
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Excellent….am glad to know all is normal….for your house anyway! She sounds amazing!
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It’s true. Our house is a bit strange… As I put on an article of clothing, she takes one off– She is never actually dressed. It’s like one of Dante’s levels of hell.
“forever dressing K”
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Ha ha…. Mine are like this. They pick out their clothes, are aaaalll excited about them. And then I turn my back and have 1 naked kid, 1 in his diaper (trying to get it off) and one whining because she hasn’t mastered the art of getting her shirt over her head yet. Great post, I love the visual it sends!
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Thanks! Glad you enjoyed it. K hates getting her shirt over her head, but it seems that she only hates it when the shirt goes ON.
My sister had to duct tape my niece’s diaper in order to keep it on her, thank your lucky stars that he hasn’t figured out how to get his off yet!
And when he does, the technique is: stand the child in front of you, apply the duct tape to the diaper tabs, and spin the child around at least twice.
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Yikes! If M went through that stage, it was very short or I have managed to block it out. Like so many other stages.
(haven’t seen you in a bit, hope you are doing OK, other than deailing with naked chilrens)
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I’ve been a little off my game lately, but doing better now. I hope I’m back for good– but you never know. Life happens, after all, and mostly while you’re making other plans.
I could totally be okay with K having skipped this phase of life. This morning she called to me from her bedroom– what sounded to me like– “Mommy, I kept my clothes on!”, but my son was there and informed me that, no, she actually said “Mommy, I can’t put my clothes on”.
This too shall pass.
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We had Naked Hour every day in our house. It was a wonderful time of day. Now, I’m the only one who still does it. Still, looked forward to.
I’m totally admiring your daughter’s gumption. Good heavens, does she sound like a pistol. What a load of fun she’s going to bring you over the next many years.
Buckle up?
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You know, that’s a good idea. I wonder if she would be so quick to prance around naked if I took all my clothes off and did some naked yoga on the couch.
Of course, that would be a punishment for everyone, not just K. I don’t think I’ve shaved my legs since October.
I’m not looking forward to the teenage years. It’s not fun trying to raise yourself, the only one who’s enjoying it is my mother, who finally got her wish– I got one just like me.
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LOL! Mr. T went through that phase! Then he went though the “mom you aren’t allowed to see even a glimpse of my skin” and now he is at the “i sleep naked and you better not walk into my room unannounced” phase.
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Ooooooh… I’m not looking forward to J hitting that last phase… The one where they start taking extra long showers and going through tissues at an alarming rate.
I just may not be able to handle it.
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Is it just girls? I remember doing it as a kid, and both my daughters did, but not my boys. But you have one thing to be thankful about – my youngest used to go upstairs, take all her clothes off and then draw all over herself with permanent marker – she looked like she’d been held by some satanic sect. And she thought it was so funny!
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Wow, sounds like some kind of 60’s toddler orgy.
I can just see K’s eyes light up at the idea. Good thing she can’t read.
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Hilariously written. So glad to see you’re back! Feeling better?
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Yes sir. Not 100% yet, but better, so I’ll take it. I liked your last post a lot, in ten years I’ll be stepping right into your shoes, and hoping my kids make the right decisions. I am extremely hopeful that K grows out of her super hero alter ego by then.
For my poor, weak, heart.
I think it was Chris Rock who said “A father has only one real job while raising his daughters: Keep them off the pole. If she’s dancing on the pole, you f’d up”.
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That post was the result of an altercation with the demon called curfew…
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The demons are everywhere when you’re a teenager.
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Thank you for the compliment, BTW. I always forget to say thank you to people. I’m so bad at this, but Hilariously written is a great compliment. I must say thanks.
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Fortunately my eldest is somewhat past this phase, instead demanding sleeveless every day and stripping off socks and shoes faster than a teenager can send a dozen text messages no matter how cold the floor. I’m waiting for my son to develop this skill. I know it’s coming.
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I feel you on that– it took J until December to admit that it was, in reality, and not just in my warped Mom brain, too cold to wear tee-shirts and/or shorts to school every day. The best was when he would come out in a heavy winter sweater and jeans shorts, proclaiming his studliness for all the world to know. He was agape with wonder at how I could possibly think his ensemble was anything but catwalk-worthy.
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It’s a science fact: kids run faster with no clothes on.
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It’s much more aerodynamic to run in your birthday suit. I wonder why they haven’t allowed it at the Olympics yet.
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You know they’ve just brought out a real-life-honest-to-blazes version of the self-tying sneakers Michael J Fox had in Back to the Future III?
Why don’t you invent clothes that do the same thing? You know, like those joke birthday candles which re-ignite when you blow them out. It’ll be easy. Just invent magic straps or something. You can thank me later.
Although it might cause 1 or 2 problems around pyjama time. Still, that’s not my problem.
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You mean like a straight jacket? Those straps are pretty magical. Or perhaps I could tattoo clothes all over her, so that when she strips down to the bare necessities, she’s still clothed… In a sense. Now that would be frustrating for her. Cause you can’t run away from your own skin.
I don’t really worry about pajamas anymore. The disappointment I feel in the morning, when she comes flying out of her room butt-ass nekkid, is too much. I might as well just let her sleep in the buff.
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Yes! Yes! Straitjackets for children! We’ll be BILLIONAIRES. Let me know when you have the prototype…
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No, I can make it even better. Straightjackets… With a harness and leash (sold separately) that attaches to the child as well as… whatever… You, your belt, your car, whatever.
We just need someone to market it properly for us. Someone to make parents understand just how necessary this item is for them, in order to function properly in their daily lives.
And we have to make it fashionable. Leopard print, neon colors, I’m seeing a cute little leopard print straightjacket with a little leopard head for the child, and a matching leash (sold separately).
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I think Naked Girl’s instincts are right. (I remember one time almost twenty years ago I was taking a summer nap and Micah wanted into the bedroom without knocking. He paused, then said, “Why are you nakey?”) Can’t wait until the next adventure. John
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Why are you nakey? I love it. We should be allowed to run around naked whenever we like, however, in real life there are creepy white vans with “Free candy and puppies” spray painted on the side, so I think The Evil Momster will continue her quest to clothe Naked Girl. At least till she’s a teenager. Then… I don’t want to think about it.
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I just don’t have anything to say about this so I’m retweeting it.
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No! No I do. I do because my daughter has been practising to audition for Naked Girl’s role in the movie. When are those auditions? Tell me they’ve already chosen someone for the part?
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Thanks for the retweet– Always welcome, and the screenplay is still under review. They wanted a PG-13 rating, but it seems the writers are having a hard time writing a screenplay that only shows Naked Girl’s face and one or two shots of her upper torso, from the side. I don’t know when auditions will be, as naked children are kind of frowned upon in the biz.
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Yeah. True. Ok well I guess she’ll just keep practising then… which is… good…
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Yes… Tell your “daughter” that practice makes perfect.
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Yeeeeeeeessss…. I will… definitely think about passing on that advice.
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I love this!!! My daughter may not be old enough yet to tell me why she is nude or why she wants to be naked, she simply does it (not potty trained I will add so it is much like having a small-bladdered puppy). I also blog about being a mom and I am wanting to connect with other mommas out there, come on over and check me out. http://www.mathmomwithablog.com
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I certainly will.
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