Whoever it was that said “it’s just like riding a bike!” Needs to go off somewhere and fuck themselves.
While we were at the beach, I had a brilliant idea that would spruce up my fitness routine a bit.
I would start a fitness routine.
Yes, folks, I would get up off my fat ass and do something all exercisey. I would get a bicycle.
I remembered my youth and all those carefree days on my bike. I remembered my teens when I used to ride my lavender ten speed for exercise. I wore a sports bra and some spandex shorts and headed out on the open road. It was more than exercise then, it was a public service to all the pervy old men in my neighborhood.
So the other day I was at Target (and I know what you’re going to say here, you’re going to congratulate me for choosing such a well respected bicycle retailer) and I saw my bike.
It was 85 dollars.
First lesson learned–Perhaps the most important lesson I have learned so far– don’t buy a mountain bike for 85 dollars. It seems so clear to me now.
I have children, so I know that I have to have a helmet to ride a bike, trike, or fucking walk out my front door in the rain these days. So, although it put a serious cramp in the vision I had of myself on the bicycle; 50 pounds lighter, hair streaming behind me as I speed down mountain trails, (or through my neighborhood… you know, whatever) I bought myself a white helmet. Lame.
I had all the essentials. It was time to ride.
I put on my selected bicycling outfit. I put on my white helmet. Lame. (And which the fuck way does this shit can go on my damn head, anyhow?) I snipped the book off the handlebars (because really? Do I need a book for this? It’s like riding a bike.) and I went.
Before I made it out of my driveway, I noticed something for which I was not quite prepared. The pedal, at its highest point, is really high. My fatass leg didn’t quite reach it, and reaching it is quite necessary for takeoff. I had to do a little jig to get it up there, which I will not describe, as I hope that you will never witness anything like it. Also, when you have a giant belly and you’re leaning over, pumping your legs up and down, you smack your wobbly jiggly belly with your legs like a jello mold in a fucking commercial. Right, left, right, left–Imagine it in slow motion– it’s much more effective.
I made it (wobbling like a child on training wheels) to the neighbors house before the chain fell off. I fixed it. Shitty ass bike.
I live on a mountain beside a lake. My destination was the lake, which, for our purposes, we will call “down”, and down I went. It’s about 1/4 of a mile.
Luckily, I have the shittiest brakes on the planet to quell my speed. Bonus: they also make a horrible piercing scream. The right brake says “screeeee” and the left brake says “85 dollars buys a shitty ass bike which cannot support your girth”.
I was approaching the lake fast. I passed a car and waved (you have to wave to everybody you pass in my neighborhood) and was grateful that, although they saw my 85 dollar shitty ass bike, and heard the screech of my brakes to prove it, they did not see my belly jiggling as my legs pumped the bike forward. At least there’s that.
I got to the lake and was at last comfortable on flat ground. I looked to the other side of the lake, 5 miles. Daunting. I decided to turn my ass around and go home.
As it turns out, after you go down, you have to go back up. Fuck me with a pair of piranhas, for I had not foreseen such a crazy turn of events.
Time to try the best 7 speeds that 85 dollars can buy.
I got a speedy start, my belly jiggling, left, right, left, my lame white helmet shining in the sunlight. Fat lady on a shitty mountain bike speeds up to take the hill. ..
Up I went. I changed gears for the first time. My shitty bicycle nearly tossed my fat ass off in protest. I decided to take the rest of the speeds down at once.
Man, I am working. My legs are slapping my belly, I’m sweaty, I cant breathe, my heart is in my throat, I must be almost home, so I sneak a peek behind me…
I’ve gone 10 feet up the hill.
I’ll never make it.
With a heavy heart I got off my shitty bike, and started the long 1/4-mile uphill walk of shame, rolling my shitty bike beside me.
It is at this moment that all of my friends and neighbors choose to drive by. They all wave jovially at the fat lady in her lame white helmet sadly walking her shitty bike up the hill. One after the other, neighbors, friends who live close by, friends that live in the next town, even friends that live in other states pass by….
They wait in line to wave hello to me at this shining moment in my life. I wave back pathetically; what else can I do.
It’s like rush hour at the Lincoln tunnel. I’m pretty sure some of them circled back just for a second look.
I got some good exercise walking back up the mountain, anyhow. Maybe tomorrow I’ll try it without the bike. Eventually I made it home, where I tossed my piece of shit bike in the front yard and hoped it would rain.
Fucking piece of shit.
sassinator said:
This brought tears of laughter to my eyes. Thanks.
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naptimethoughts said:
I live to serve.
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Grace said:
Hilarious!
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naptimethoughts said:
Thanks Grace, it’s extra funny because its true.
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naptimethoughts said:
Reblogged this on naptimethoughts and commented:
So, I’m really really busy. The Puppy, the children, tee ball, Law and Order marathons, you know. The usual. Inyhoo, I just didn’t get to write you guys anything new this week, so, since I’m also a busy little bee writing for Kerry’s Winding Road (May 2) Freestyle Fridays, CHECK HER OUT– SHE ROCKS– I decided to put this up this week. Maybe assuage my guilt a bit for leaving you all for so long.
Plus- I’m absolutely positive nobody read this. It’s “Old blog tuesday!!!”
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Kate @ Did That Just Happen? said:
Well, I read it… and about died!!! I wanted to run to Target and get a bike to keep up with you…. and then very quickly changed my mind! 😀
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naptimethoughts said:
It’s for the best. I ended up getting a bicycle much better suited to my needs, yellow and pink schwinn. I’m thinking about putting a little pink basket on the handlebars.
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Farmer Farthing said:
Oh dear God, I’m sorry but I’m laughing my ass off here! I came to the same conclusion as you a few years back and bought myself a bike because, you know, you never forget how to ride one, right?! Wrong!! After several failed attempts and a walk John Wayne would’ve envied, I gave up and sacked it off, giving the bike away to my daughters friend. Never again!!! xx
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naptimethoughts said:
You just need the right bike. I’ve already had Miss Clairmont (the new bike) out this year, and ridden her. Probably, collectively a half mile, but all the same….
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scottishmomus said:
Who says exercise isn’t fun? That’s the most fun I’ve had with it in a long time. In fact, that’s the most exercise I’ve had in a long time. My face got a good workout there. It was like watching a movie clip. A joyously funny one. Thanks. 🙂 x
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naptimethoughts said:
Anytime.
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larva225 said:
I’m sorry but thank you. I’m in my office cackling like a nutjob.
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naptimethoughts said:
Then I have done my job. Before Naptimethoughts, I was only laughing at myself- now the whole world laughs at me. It’s really much more fulfilling.
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kyangel17 said:
I’m still laughing. Been there, done that. And it really does all happen when the neighbors are out in the yard. That is only natural.
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naptimethoughts said:
Every. Single. One.
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sarcasmica said:
LMAO!! : Fuck me with a pair of piranhas – this sounds like the worst VD from the best Spring Break ever, by the way.
Too funny. Here’s hoping you got back on your (now) rusty POS bike! I’ve recently begun the same asstacular shitty attempt at biking. Helmets?!! Really?? Hate it.
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naptimethoughts said:
Right? I don’t need no helmet, I didn’t need one as a kid, and I don’t need one now. I’m not riding my bike anywhere that a car might hit me, and I have learned (the hard way) that it’s more dangerous to sweat in a helmet and have it roll down into your eyes, thus driving you into a tree, or something, than the clarity of a helmet free life. Screw the abortion debate- we need to make helmets a social issue. Don’t tread on me, big brother.
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John Coleman said:
You might be jiggling, Naptime, but the laughs in great shape. “Uphill walk of shame” in your shiny helmet! Brilliant. I needed these laughs today. Thanks for coming through. John
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naptimethoughts said:
I have a new, less jiggly bicycle now named Miss Clairmont, that any 5 year old girl would die for. She is just my speed. Glad you enjoyed “Old Post Tuesday”. (I no longer ride down the mountain. Miss Clairmont and I ride on our nice paved street with J.) And screw that helmet. Fuck it! You’re a pastor, maybe you’ll know– can you damn inanimate objects to hell?
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John Coleman said:
Miss Clairmont! Perfect. My theological opinion on damning a helmet to hell: I’m thinking hell’s palate isn’t fussy. Twenty years ago while having a young father’s tantrum I tried to throw a little plastic chair into hell, but it caromed off the bannister and cracked in half. Hope your aim is better.
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naptimethoughts said:
hmmm…. I’m not entirely clear on how to get it there, but I’m willing to give it a try. I’ll input “Hell” as my destination in the old GPS. Of course, with my luck, I’ll just end up dropping the helmet off in Newark.
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kathryningrid said:
I’m thinking that no exercise could be better, physically or psychologically, than jumping up and down a whole bunch on top of a shitty ass bike to demolish it. 😉
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naptimethoughts said:
And you would be right.
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Bronwyn Joy @ Journeys Of The Fabulist said:
So… you’re not still riding bikes, then? Come on! It could only get better!
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naptimethoughts said:
I am, I got a new one, her name is Miss Clairmont and she is featured in “Fat Lady and The Bike II”
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Chatter Master said:
Though I am enjoying this, thoroughly, having been the fat lady on the bike…. I am glad to see there is a sequel to this. I have to check it out. I hope Miss Clairmont and you have a better relationship. This is the best bike story ever.
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naptimethoughts said:
Miss Clairmont is just my speed. I love her, and have plans for a little bell on her handlebars, and basket for the front. Glad you enjoyed the story.
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Chatter Master said:
In case I didn’t say, this was also great writing. 🙂
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naptimethoughts said:
Thank you very much! :)– I can make happy faces now.
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brightbluebean said:
Oh that was funny…..!!
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naptimethoughts said:
Glad you enjoyed it.
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Dr. Rex said:
On another note, thank you for the visit and follow!! Hugs … 🙂
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naptimethoughts said:
Hey, no problem! I enjoyed your blog, and welcome back anytime.
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Dr. Rex said:
TY … 🙂
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http://theenglishprofessoratlarge.com said:
I’m not laughing. My stomach hurts too much from having my knees punching it vicariously. All of me is in pain from that uphill walk. Thanks for such vivid descriptions that I,too, suffered.
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naptimethoughts said:
Thank you, I hope you are recovered enough by now to laugh. 🙂
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joannesisco said:
Bwahahahaha!!…(catching my breath)…. HAHAHAHAHAHAHA!!!!
sorry – I have nothing clever to add to my uncontained laughter … 😀
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naptimethoughts said:
Hey, I’ll take it. Uncontained laughter will do nicely.
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sprzedaż kserokopiarek gliwice said:
Problematyka pokrewna każdemu, polecam publikację
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naptimethoughts said:
Right.
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bethteliho said:
*grinning huge* I’m so happy to have found you. Or vice versa. Or whatever. this post rocks my world. So funny.
So last year I decided it would be awesome to ride my sons scooter down our very steep driveway. Never been on one in my life. It didn’t end well. Well, if you consider the ER a good ending, then I guess it ended fucking awesome.
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naptimethoughts said:
It could be just me, but I consider the ER a moderately crappy ending to a day. Maybe next time take a slightly less steep trial run. Was it one of those teeny tiny little scooters that all the boys ride now? I assume to make themselves look bigger? (really I just can’t think of any other reason for them to be riding teeny tiny little bicycles and scooters.)
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msenecal68 said:
Oh my goodness this is funny but it also brings back painful memories of my own dumbass idea to ride a bike. Actually it was my son’s idea so I blame him!! And it was his bike, so I’m innocent!
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naptimethoughts said:
Innocent until ass is on bike. My husband has a bike too, but I went out for my own because his is like 80 feet tall, and if I had toppled over, I would have hit the pavement like a guy jumping off a high rise. He’s tall, but I can’t believe he’s as tall as his bike. I think it’s a man thing. Like football, or sticking their hands down their pants. You can blame him, but it’s written in his DNA. Comes with the penis.
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donofalltrades said:
You should see if WD40 will help you with that pedal profanity. Lol. Riding a bike always seems better in my head than it does in practice. It’s another of those things that’s better left to kids.
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naptimethoughts said:
That bike is so long gone. I got a new one, it’s got a nice wide seat for my giant ass, and nice high handlebars so my back doesn’t hurt, and a little bell to go “bring bring” when I’ve arrived somewhere. It’s pink and yellow. Much more my speed.
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anawnimiss said:
You had me at the first sentence. I love you. Ride my bike?
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naptimethoughts said:
I love you too. Yes, it was a bad scene. I probably should have started with something a little smaller than a trip down the hill to the lake. I totally forgot about up.
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jgroeber said:
Oh, when the neighbors drive by for a second look! Why does every single day feel like that? And I don’t even own a bike!
Absolutely brilliant!
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naptimethoughts said:
It does, doesn’t it? Moral of the story is don”t start what you hope to be an exercise routine in front of the neighbors. Wait to bring it out at home till you look decently cool doing it. Oh what a sad day it was. I’m sure they’re all still talking about it.
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cellulitelooksbettertan said:
I haven’t laughed so hard at a post in a long time. I was just telling my husband last night that we should get some bikes. I’m more than rethinking that now.
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naptimethoughts said:
Totally do it! But don’t be stingy, the 80 dollar model was not the bicycle of my dreams. I have one now, more expensive, but I can actually ride it. (On a flat surface with no hills.) See? All better.
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My Inner Chick said:
OMGosh,
sorry about your piece of shit bike, but your misfortune was good for a giggle!!!
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naptimethoughts said:
Ahhh, but they always are. I’m so accident prone. Or embarrassment prone– more likely.
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Christine Carter said:
Seriously crying with laughter right now!! You poor thing! But oh – I just still can’t stop laughing!! Brilliantly written… I have all the visuals in my head. Especially you walking back up the hill with all the cars going by waving at you. Bless your heart!
I would have walked that damn cheap bike up that hill too, and ya know what? I would have walked a $4,000.00 bike up that hill! Hills suck. I promise you are NOT the first to to that. 🙂
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naptimethoughts said:
Since we live on a mountain, the walk back up the hill was enough to have me huffing and puffing. Hills do suck.
The original plan was to glide down the mountain, ride the bicycle flawlessly around the lake, breeze blowing my hair behind me, and then gain enough speed to take the hills back up without much problem. I live in a dream world.
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Jana said:
Just found your blog and this had me laughing out loud — I really needed that! I bought a “retro” one-speed bike at Wal-Mart and I’ve seriously been considering riding it five miles to work. Thank you for opening my eyes to what a horrible idea that would be!
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naptimethoughts said:
You might be able to do it, if the land is relatively flat, and you don’t mind having lame helmet head at work for the rest of the day. Oh, and if they have a shower at your place of employment, because once you get there, you’ll want to freshen up a bit. And if your job requires you to sit most of the day…
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advanced pure garcinia review said:
Usually I don’t learn post on blogs, however I would
like to say that this write-up very compelled me to take a look at and do it!
Your writing style has been surprised me.
Thank you, quite nice post.
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naptimethoughts said:
Thank you very much. I think.
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daydream believer said:
Now I am ready to do my breakfast, when having my breakfast coming
yet again to read additional news.
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naptimethoughts said:
I’m glad your breakfast enjoyed my story as well.
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A.PROMPTreply said:
How did I miss this. I can’t stop laughing. Your language is atrocious, but perhaps in this case, there is cause. You poor thing. I felt every emotion you did in this story. Too funny (from here anyway).
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naptimethoughts said:
Yes, it is atrocious, but it was definitely warranted. That piece of shit bike nearly killed me. I’m glad you enjoyed anyway– even with all my profanity.
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Pingback: THE VIRTUAL BLOG TOUR CONTINUES… | A.PROMPTreply
lucie said:
Ha! Love this! Can I hazard a guess that you live some place nice where the likelihood of a meth addict stealing your “wheels of shame” is ZERO?
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naptimethoughts said:
It’s pretty safe here, and even if someone tried to steal that piece of shit they’d get 50 feet before the chain fell off and the brakes sent out a red alert that a bike thief was in the neighborhood. Not that I’d try and stop a bike thief, mind you.
That piece of crap is the thief’s problem now.
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www.facebook.com said:
Thank you a lot for sharing this with all folks you actually
know what you are talking approximately! Bookmarked.
Please also consult with my site =). We can have a hyperlink change agreement among us
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naptimethoughts said:
Sure, hyperlink. Sounds great. ummm… What’s a hyperlink again? Not because I don’t know, I just want to make sure YOU know before I answer… Okay, I don’t have any idea what you’re talking about. Not the faintest. My bad.
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whyistherebreadinmykoolaid said:
I love this so hard. I am sitting here with tears pouring down my face from trying to keep the hee haw sound down since my kids are sleeping. I’m sharing this one. More people need this in their lives.
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naptimethoughts said:
Thanks for the share! Do you really laugh like a donkey? I mean, it’s all good, we don’t judge here at Naptimethoughts. We have farted in a stranger’s face at AC Moore– There’s really no room for judgement after something like that, but laughing like a donkey is awesome. Heehaw…
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whyistherebreadinmykoolaid said:
I have in fact been accused of having a ‘horsey laugh’ – think Julia Roberts but much, much, much less endearing and attractive.
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naptimethoughts said:
I think she’s a laugh faker. I bet hers is much, much, much less endearing and attractive when she’s at home and something strikes her as funny. People make fun of my laugh all the time because it’s more of a gigantic guffaw/cackle. I know those two laughs are very different… I suppose that’s why I’m such an easy target. My niece has my laugh, which is very funny. When we get together it’s kind of raucous.
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